Sunday, August 7, 2011

Dilemma, dilemma...

Help!! I can not see the solution. I'm not able to reconcile the two aspects of my life!

To my right: I no longer have a daycare (again). But I feel good with my daughter! When I place her in a daycare, she does not always seem happy. It really depends on the educator and the group around her. But that can't know (if she'll like it or not) until we try a daycare... and we must sign a contract before trying a daycare.

When she does not like day care, she cries every morning on the way. On site (after I'm gone), she does not speak, when we speak to her or ask her a question, it has a reaction of total incomprehension or as if someone made a complaint about her, she freezes, she panics or cries. She doesn't blend with the group and she ceases all progress (even at home). What is notwithstanding alarming!

She has been in a group where she felt well. She had friends and although she did not like the separation from mom, she was having a good day.

I enjoy staying at home with my daughter. She restarted to flourish (something that was suddenly interrupted with the "daycare problems") and we spend some quality time together.

To my left: I'd like to pursue my projects. I wish to write novels. I would like to draw and paint and mount an exhibition, to be in the gallery. I wish to finish the small part that I miss in computer graphics to complete my "luggage" and launch myself in the illustration. I would like to teach drawing. I do not seek a glorious career in the arts or writing, but notwithstanding a little work and some income for my personal satisfaction.

My daughter is still very young and requires much attention. It is difficult to work "a long time" without interruption. Poor child, she is at home alone with me, she has not (yet) siblings.

Some projects are still possible with her at home, such as drawing (though not "easy" to continue when I'm interrupted...). Other projects are however completely impossible or at least difficult to deal with unexpected interruptions, like painting with acrylics (which asks for a extended period of time where I can escape without concerns) or write (which I have to isolate myself in a bubble of concentration completely detached from the "real world"; if it pops, I can completely lose my ideas).

My dilemma ... I would like be able to do a little of both, part-time. Find "the right daycare" where my daughter will be happy is a monumental headache. And each time it takes a period of integration and adaptation... then we can determine if it works or not. Change too frequently can also be a cause of distress and turmoil.

I probably should organize myself  with another mom in the same situation, and share our time: half a week or one every two weeks one of us takes the children while the other is doing the freelance job. But I don't know where or how to find such a person! Do you know someone? In the region of the south shore of Montreal?

I feel like I have to choose between my well-being and the one of my daughter... And immediately, I feel like answering: I take the one of my daughter! The problem is that I know that if I do not take time to work on a personal project, I'll end up in depression and I would be useless to anyone!

Please leave a comment! =)

2 comments:

  1. Is it not possible to place your daughter in Daycare only for half time ?
    I know people who does this in France with child who does not react well being full time in daycare.
    It would also give you some childfree hours.

    Elys.

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  2. You and your daughter are a team, so if you are happiest staying together, go for that. It may cut down on the amount of creative work you can do, but only for a relatively short while. Hopefully she will start to understand that you do need to be allowed to do a little work occasionally...

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