Thursday, June 17, 2010

Time Obstacle

A long time ago now, I saw the movie "Girl Fight" (featuring Michelle Rodiguez; at the time she was completely unknown). In this film, I don't even remember in what context, there was the message "Quitters Never Win. Winners Never Quit." It inspired me a lot.

Later, I had a profound reflection about the "obstacle" because I was feeling like I was hitting a wall at every turn. With my dear "de facto spouse", we came to the fact that (in that period), I was seeing obstacle as an insurmountable burden, while I should try to see it as a challenge, or as a springboard (not easy)!

Strangely, a few days later stood my first writing workshop with Elizabeth Vonarburg and one theme of a text written there was "the obstacle". We saw several symbols of the obstacle... "The obstacle is the other, the conflict, the monster, the infernal tour, the imprisonment, the labyrinth, the hole, the wild forest; I had taken the mountain (insurmountable) (we were fantasy, fantastic and science-fiction writers).

In short, the subject dropped at a relevant point in my life and although I'm still having a hard time to see obstacles as a springboard today, I can at least take it as a challenge. If I quit on something, it's because it wasn't that important for me...

Recently, at my work, I went into another department, where someone had posted "Defeatist see obstacles as a dead end. Optimists see it as an opportunity." Again, it dropped on an moment where I needed to head this, because I was questioning myself and some days/weeks later, I decided to quit my job and return to my artistic roots.

Since my last post, very little have advanced in my project, except perhaps ideas in my head, without having the time to write them down... Very slowly, when I can, I advance my research too. I have finished today reading the book I was talking about in previous posts.

I've mentioned the obstacle in the introduction, because I'm facing one... For once, the problem is not the project itself.
If I was "not well" at the time I took my decision to quit (a month or two ago), I'm now starting to have the first signs of mini-depression. (I know for sure because I already made a major one!) It is fortunate that everything is almost over! I don't regret my decision.

As I been there before, I now know my limits and I know I'm on a slippy slope... so I've started to take it as "easy-going": I see friends or family on weekends, I do what I gotta do and my job is no longer a priority, and let-go on many things (I don't do the dishes every night, if my daughter wants a hug, I can give her for how long as she wants, even if it means for me to be late, I often fall asleep early, I listen to movies ...)

Speaking of my daughter, I stopped breastfeeding her last week. My goal was to let her decide the time of weaning. Well, we were at 2 mommy's-milk per 24 hours... she was forgetting one here and there... Last Saturday (the 5th), she forgot one, then Sunday she has forgotten both. Monday morning, I had almost no more milk, then she shoved me to drink her cup of rice-milk.
All week, she was less independent than usual, probably because of this is a new phase of detachment with the mother ... When she was in my belly, we were one, then after the birth, we had a connection with milk, then I returned to work, she started the day care, and now that the link of the milk is cut, I think that she needs a new period of adjustment to the separation...

It was also a week of cold (for herself and her dad ... me too, but very slightly), week slipping was difficult for everyone. With the mini-depression, if everyone does a classical insomnia, I do the opposite: hypersomnia! Meaning, I can sleep 12 hours straight, but I wake up as tired as when I went to bed, mostly because the sleep is to light; it's like if I have almost not slept ... but I've lost 12 hours anyway... Just to mention that I'm a person who gives more value to time than money, so losing my time is a major irritant for me!
I had to run to complete my daughter's passport (we had to go to the passport office three times in the week! it was well annoying!), The dishwasher broke (with water damage), I'm training a colleague to take over my job and try to catch up the backlog. My grandfather (the last one of my grandparents still alive) is not well at all and I have trouble finding time to visit him at the hospital ...

Edited June 18th 2010:
This week, we saw it wasn't a cold that my daughter caught, but measles; I've missed 3 days of work to stay with her.

In short, this is why my project is not advancing. There's things more important in life at the moment.

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