Sunday, April 25, 2010

Dead End

This week was shaken by news reflections...

Did I ever mentioned before that I don't like my job? I have to precise: it's not a Calvary; it's secure, with an incoming that is not misery (though it could be more...), I'm permanent and all, and though I don't have friends in my department, those people are not bad or mean, on the contrary! It's simply that I don't like what I do now. I never liked to play with numbers, even if I have the ability.

For the last month, I felt bad: I'm tired, sometimes exhausted, I have frequent nausea, headache (which is rare for me!), etc. At Easter, I started a cold; normally, it would have affected me for few days, maybe a week... This time, it's still kinda there (I don't feel infected anymore, but I feel my lungs still irritated, I have a bad cough that accentuate my nausea, or sometimes, I regurgitate. It's as if I'm pregnant, despite it doesn't make sens with my cycle. My boyfriend already bought a pregnancy test, but I have to wait the right moment in my cycle in order to be more accurate. A long week plunged into doubt. More than once, I told my boyfriend: "If I'm not pregnant, I don't know what I have, but I don't feel right!"

Two weeks ago, I was seeing my best friend. She was telling me, once again, how it was unfortunate that I have a job as opposed to my talents and passion, and most importantly, a job that underpaid (according to her opinion) ;o) She helps me in my reflection to find something else, but still... The studies I have in my resume are obsoleted, I have one small work-experience on that field, but so long ago now... On the other hand, I have no schooling for the things I do have work-experience. I'm on a dead-end! I'm not attached to the company I'm working for, but I receive no call when I apply else where, which I think is normal, if you look at my path... Who would want to hire a secretary / receptionist / accounting clerk who studied in Fine Arts or 3D computer graphics? Who would want to hire a digital artist that has almost no experience and who the schooling is older than 10 years past? You see what I mean? Dead end!

I was going through a phase where I was trying to go with the flow, with the element I have. My objective is to buy a house, I was putting money aside like a squirrel... enduring the killing boring job, telling myself that it's worth it, for the house, the family and all... I have to accept that my situation is not that bad (even if it's not was I was dreaming of...)

Everyone, friends, parents, repeat to me that EVERYONE hates his/her job. My dad, who enjoys it, rather says: "Even when you do like it, 75% of your tasks won't be pleasant..." and I haste to reply: "Yes, I know ... When I write a book, I like to write it, but I hate to correct it and retouch it... The writing takes me about 30% of the time, the rest is revisions! But at least I know it's for a project dear to my heart and if I don't do it, I'll have to live with an unfulfilled project or badly done... It's already much more pleasant than working on something that I don't like at all!"

This Thursday, I was speaking with a good friend who, his own way, pushes me to help me getting out of it. His brother works at Ubisoft Montréal; he (my friend) already proposed that I give him my resume, so he would leavet it to his brother. I was excited at first (it was during winter), but after reflection, I don't believe I could... I mean, it's been so long since I've worked on a digital project, or simply a drawing, I wouldn't be able to get that job full time and hope to be up to the deadlines! I need to take the time to get back to it, do somethings, and furthermore, the 3D methods changed so much since I left school, back in 1999... To be realistic, it won't work!

Telling it so that way, to my friend, this Thursday, he simply asked: "Then, why don't you take an upgrade class?"; effectively, this could be a solution... But you know, you think about it twice, when you're a mother, before leave everything behind like that! Ten years ago, even 5, it would have been possible and maybe easy (if I don't count the fact that I wouldn't have been able to pay for those classes), but now? Then he told me that there is an assistance program of "last resort" for people in the impasse that need a return to school. He was a cook once, for 4-5 stars restaurant, and then he developed an allergy to seafood. He has used this program to redirect his career.

What would we do without friends?? =) I've search to web for that program, but I haven't found anything yet. I would need to contact the "employment insurance" to have more details.

I also started to look for upgrade classes or other formation that could please me, keeping in mind that the goal is to find a relatively stable job, that would permit me to purchase a house. The first time, in 3D, I didn't understand the consequenses of my choices, on the long terme. I was so persuated that I would succeed; I have been so stubborn. I must not let myself go and do, for a second time, the wrong choices!

I found digital classes for the press, also 3D classes with the latest software, and video editing classes...

I went on an excited wave for the movie editing, but I'm so bad with sound mixing that I'm not sure I would be great in that... I'm also afraid of the number of job offered in Québec, but that, I don't know, I never checked... Never thought of it before.

After, I asked myself if I wished to go back in 3D... I never showed you... Here's some stuff in 3D that I "dare" showing; it's old, 2001. (I will not retrace my student 3D demo, because... I'm not sure I would be able to stand it!)

I need to precise that I was in team to do those images. Following the client request, I did the sketches. Someone else (today, my boyfriend and father of my daughter ^_^ ) did the 3D models, then I came back for the textures and materials (in other terms, coloring and emboss). The adjustments of the camera and lighting, we did together (he on the technical side, me on the artistic side).

Yes, I would probably be pleased to do 3D again =)  I was looking for schools in Montréal and I got stroked by a truth: I already did the class! Dah! I already did the tests for the entry selection and all of it... I don't want that again! Not again! I simply want an upgrade, to be up to date! It seems there's only one school that could give that kind of class... for company! I'm alone... Well, I think I wound still contact them and ask about my case... see if I could got through that door...

Then, Saturday evening, 22h (10pm), looking for other avenues, other alternatives... I fall on a school (I heard about it before, by reputation; I simply forgot about it), that offers classes for "the writing of movie". I stood speechless! I had tears in my eyes! At nine year old, I was saying: "When I'll grow up, I'll write movies!", I chose 3D movies a bit to follow that dream, but meanwhile, I also discovered the novel and the writing for novels, which also please me a lot. But scripting classes... I can't say why, how, I don't know... I always though it wasn't existing! I snuffed myself swearing about my own stupidity, I read the program... the deadline for the entry (and the submission of a project) is May 12th. May 12th!! Normally, when I present myself for the inscriptions for classes, it's the drama of my life, I'm ALWAYS few days late, and I have to wait a whole year or so for the next entry... But this time, I'm two weeks and a half ahead...

I immediately wrote an email to my dear Elisabeth Vonarburg. I needed her opinion... because the Quebec cinema is not really on the side of fantasy and science-fiction... I won't hide it, it wouldn't be worth it, here, now, with my objectives, to go back to school if there's no job when I get out! I was feeling as excited as when I started in 3D, wanting to do everything, see everything, try everything, no matter the cost; I badly chose the 3D school the first time (20% of the students were accually finding a job in the area of 3D; I'm on the 80% that did not succeed on that part... though, it's in that school that I met my boyfriend, in 1999; I'm still with him and we now have a beautiful baby girl!), school that I think closed... It would be really idiot from me to get on my big horses and redo the same mistakes!

Following my email that had an overwhelming lenght, poor Elizabeth (she's a writer and translator, she's not afraid to read, but still...) I went to bed. It was past midnight. At 2 o'clock, my daughter got up to see me, she was sick, the poor one. She regurgitated several times in the bed ... while my boyfriend was changing the sheets, I changed her pajamas, mine, and I tried to relieved her... The night was short.

Right the next day, 9am, I had the answer from my dear Elisabeth. This woman, my mentor, is really incredible! She took the time to mention that she is presently overwhelmed and that she is quickly answering back... but her email, on a Sunday morning, was as long as mine! ^_^ You have no idea how much I worship her, for her talent, for her wisdom, for "her" and how small I feel compared to her generosity!

To say it simply, she answered what I needed to hear. The cinematic reality in Quebec is not the same as in the U.S.A. Although I think it would be exciting to do this course, I don't think it would be a good idea for my goal of the moment, meaning to have a training, to get a job (not to follow a girl's dream that could lead me in another dead end after turning in circles for over ten years!). Perhaps it will be for later, the scripting class. =)

I know, my text is getting really long... But there was still an important detail to verify before engaging myself in anything: the pregnancy test! This morning again, nausea... I had to eclipse myself to the bathroom; I had nothing in the stomach, but it wanted to get out anyway... I first wanted to wait to Monday for the test, but I couldn't wait any longer... According to the recommendation of the vendor, more we wait in the woman's cycle and more the result will be accurate. I needed to know. Hell, for one day in a whole month! It's negative.  At last, now I know!

So, I think I feel sick because of my job. In her response, Elisabeth was talking about the choice between "risk" and "security", choice that everyone faces one day or another, or several times. If everybody who's telling me they don't like their job, it seems that for me, it's really destructive. I still need something somewhat safe to have a roof, heat during winter, food on the table, especially when there's children around the table. I simply hope to get something in the middle... something relatively stable, relatively secured, while following, at least a bit, my passions and keep the head off the water.

For the moment, I can't wait for the week to beginning, not to go to work but to get in contact with the school that offers upgrades for 3D professionals; I'll check with them if there would be a solution, though I'm not in company or in group... =)

Thank you again Elisabeth! =)

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