Monday, March 29, 2010

Drawing or Not? -- 2

In the page "Drawing or Not?" of this page, I received a commentary March 13th:

Elyz said:
Tears can be of joy. Can't you draw your new happyness or is it really not your thing?
I have been busy translating the pages if this blog in French and I was overwhelmed with details of everyday's life (and I fell asleep really early many times too!), I also worked the drawing of the map for my project... in short, I couldn't answer before now...

The first week, I thought I would answer "no, I can't really draw happiness"... Why? Simply because I rather live my joy, express it by gestures or games with my daughter, etc. unlike my sadness where my tears were not enough; I also had a lot of hate back than and I never wanted to hurt anyone... so drawing was practical in that way.

And then, the week after (this week), I was crushed by stress; my minis-conflicts with some of my co-workers put me in a foul mood!

Anger is an emotion that I find... particular. Again, I don't want to hurt anyone, so I'm holding it. I could talk about it a long time, which I won't do here (not now anyway), because there's too much details and it's too much personal. I'll simply say that I'm afraid of my own anger.

On the eyes of many, I'm "a softy" (like people often say to me); my colleagues (I think) see me like someone contained, who socialize very little, the one who's never loud, the office's ghost that no ones never see or hear coming. On the side of my family and friends, they would laugh, because I'm to them (I believe) the one who talks the most, often the loudest, with the tendency to put myself in the center of the attention. I simply what to say here that I don't have the same personality at work. But rare are those who saw me really angry. And it's a good thing! To make a long story short, anger (hate and frustration included) is the one emotion I'm holding inside in the everyday's life.

To get back on subject, I wouldn't draw happiness, but during the second week, I have thought about drawing my anger... a thing, again, I don't really allow myself to... The simple idea seams to me as choking as if I would start screaming out loud in the middle of the office. The reason is simple: I'm afraid of the horrors that might come out on paper! I'm afraid to pass for a severely deranged psychopath! But, I also think it could relieve me greatly, since repressed emotion is never a good thing.

As a result, I had a couple of flashes of drawing in my mind. Well, having ideas, finding inspiration, it's better than before, but it doesn't creates time to do it... I would need to execute the drawings with a certain speed, to be sure of finishing them... which implies a more aggressive line, less neat (which goes well with the anger theme), a bit like my school project "I'm here to stay":

This drawing technique is a bit "against my nature", because I'm the kind, at least in drawing, to retouch each detail to it's most perfect expression... and I don't have time for this anymore... I would also need to be less demanding about the final result... I'm quickly discouraged if the drawing I'm doing is not as good as my expectations.

Which makes me think about a technique I was often using when I was in College: I was leaving my hands trace lines without knowing where I was going, and letting the drawing become with it wanted. That technique brought me to do illustrations like those ones:

Anyways, I don't know for now... I have to I hold a pencil and scribble on a paper... I'm not even sure if I would dare showing drawings about my anger; I don't know. It'll depend on the result.

So, the final word, I'm "weathervaning*" again and I answer "maybe"; maybe I still have something to say through drawings, but I don't know if it'll be a "professional ambitioned" material (meaning with the option of selling). ;o)

*Weathervane:  I don't know if the expression exist in English, so if not, I'll translate here. In French, "to be a weathervane" is an expression meaning that one is ofter changing his/her mind as soon as the wind blows differently... ;o)

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